[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
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[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
And let us dive straight in with the 2016 election,
or as you may know it,
"I don't even believe in past lives,
"but I must have done something really fucking terrible
"in a past life to deserve this.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
2016."
This week has yet again been dominated by Donald Trump,
which is irritating in and of itself,
because WikiLeaks continues to release emails
connected to the Clinton campaign
that raise serious issues, from that campaign's behavior
to the fact the hack may have come from the Russian government
to how journalists should respond to stolen documents.
But it is hard to focus on any of that
when the man who could be our next president
is now one unearthed '90s-era "Teen People" interview away
from being on a sex-offender registry.
Because Trump has had quite the week.
- The Republican presidential candidate facing a barrage
of accusations from multiple women
who say Trump touched them inappropriately,
kissed them against their will.
- The first time, it was just like a--
kind of a quick hug and a kiss on the lips.
And I was shocked, just because I was like,
"What was that?"
I've never had anybody greet me like that.
I just kind of excused it as, "Well, I guess maybe
that's how people on the East Coast greet each other."
- Okay, well, first-- first, that is horrible.
But--but for the record, that is not how we
on the East Coast greet each other.
The way we greet each other is very simple.
We don't do it.
We stare at the ground and hope the other person
moves away quickly so we can go back to muttering
under our breath without seeming crazy.
That's how we do it on the East Coast.
This--this has frankly been a week of upsetting allegations
regarding Trump, and I'm not going to make you
sit through all of them again,
because all you really need to know about the man is that
this was his response to one of his accusers.
- Believe me, she would not be my first choice.
That I can tell you.
Man.
You don't know.
That would not be my first choice.
- Now, two weeks ago, I told you that if you looked up,
you could see rock bottom.
Then last week,
I told you that if you looked up,
you could see the place we were a week ago.
Well, this week, if you look up,
all you can see are the thin plywood boards
surrounding us on all sides because we are in a coffin,
and we are buried alive in the horror
that is this election.
But incredibly, Trump's remarks were actually in keeping
with the tone he promised this week.
man: The Republican nominee proclaiming on Twitter
he is a free man.
Quote...
- Yes, the shackles are off,
which is actually an apt metaphor,
as it calls to mind both Frankenstein's monster
and a rabid dog.
And--and before I start to run through
what Trump has said this week,
keep in mind, we tape this show at 6:00 p.m.
So here is a rundown of some of the things
he feasibly could have said between now
and the point when we air.
All those clowns people keep seeing
would be appointed to his cabinet.
He can get the best deals with China,
because he is in fact 100% Chinese.
The border wall is going to be constructed
out of Rosie O'Donnell's bones.
Abortions are caused by low-energy storks.
And finally, it's not rape if it happens on a yacht.
But--but here is what he has said as of now.
First, he burned bridges with his own party,
calling Paul Ryan weak and ineffective,
and then at campaign rallies
dialed the knob up to full-on conspiracy theorist.
- Hillary Clinton meets in secret
with international banks
to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty.
This is a conspiracy against you, the American people,
and we cannot let this happen or continue.
- Holy shit.
That is not the kind of thing
that a presidential candidate says.
It's--it's the kind of thing-- it's the kind of thing
that a man in a tinfoil hat screams
inside his concrete bunker
because he thinks his soup cans have been bugged
by the lizard people in the White House.
But Trump isn't just rampaging against his political opponents.
He's rampaging against his own campaign.
When one journalist tweeted that at a recent rally
a Trump supporter was standing in the back shouting,
"Stay on the issues,"
his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, responded,
"That was me! I was there."
And even if she meant that as a joke,
it's not a great indication of how much control she has
over her candidate.
It's like she's already thinking ahead
to her campaign tell-all book
or possibly her tell-all trial at The Hague.
But--but perhaps most ominously of all,
Trump took a theme that he's been dancing around
all this campaign and made it explicitly
and frighteningly direct.
- The election is rigged.
It's rigged like you've never seen before.
You see what's happening.
The process is rigged.
This whole election is being rigged.
- Okay, telling your supporters the election is being rigged
is legitimately dangerous, because faith in fair elections
and a peaceful transfer of power
are essential foundations for a democracy.
And undermining them is like asking why
one of those giant eagles didn't just fly Frodo
all the way to Mordor in "The Lord of the Rings."
If enough people start thinking that way,
the whole thing kind of falls apart.
And just a quick side note here.
Please address your long rebuttals about why
"The Fellowship of the Ring" did not go with that plan,
because it would have sacrificed the secrecy
of the ring bearer's mission to...
So--so just to recap, this week,
Trump has declared war on his political opponents,
the media, his own party, his own campaign,
and the concept of democracy itself.
It all paints a picture of a man who is increasingly
positioning himself as the only source of truth
and goodness in America.
- I never knew it would be this vile,
that it would be this bad, that it would be this vicious.
Nevertheless, I take all of these slings and arrows
gladly for you.
And many political experts
warned me that this campaign
would be a journey to hell--
said that-- but they're wrong.
It will be a journey to heaven.
- You heard right.
He sees himself as a lone, persecuted savior
who started out in construction,
is suffering on behalf of his followers,
and will one day take them to heaven.
We have known for a while that Donald Trump believes
he's the Second Coming of Christ,
but it turns out he might mean that literally.
The only real difference being with Christ, we think,
"What would Jesus do?"
And with Trump, it's more,
"Jesus, what the fuck did you just do?"
And now this.
woman: I wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton
if you gave me a million dollars.
Now, as far as Zika is concerned,
I think maybe we could get a pill that we could swallow
that would make a smelly smell come out on our skin
that would just make the Zika-- the mosquitoes disappear.
man: Ted Cruz has this "Make America Great Again"
on his cap.
- Oh, that's Donald Trump. man: I'm gonna tell you...
- That's a Donald Trump line: make America great again.
man: That's Donald Trump.
man: Trump telling everybody to raise their right hand
kind of reminded me of Hitler.
Does he want to have another Third World War?
man: I am sick about the way Hillary just pandered
to all the black folks of South Carolina.
You know, it was, "Black this, black that.
I got to go save the blacks."
man: When did she become secretary?
- Hillary Clinton?
man: Yeah, is she still secretary?
- No.
man: You live in this-- our country, correct?
- I certainly do, yes.
Bob: You're right there in the den of liars
right there where you're at.
- Bob, thank you.
Jesse: The weirdness of this is ridiculous.
- Jesse, thank you.
Brian: The media's on the Democratic side.
And hey, there's one thing I'd like to ask you.
- Sure.
Brian: You know, have you ever heard of Cassius Clay?
- Oh, of course.
Brian: Yeah, and then Lew Alcindor.
What a cool name.
Well, why did they change their names?
- Okay, Brian, that's another topic for another day.
[laughter]
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight is, unfortunately,
continuing coverage of the 2016 election,
or as it's better known, "Lice on rats on a horse corpse
on fire 2016."
This election has now achieved a dubious distinction.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are among the most disliked
presidential candidates in history.
So it is hardly surprising that some are seeking
an alternative.
- Who's your vote right now?
- I really don't like either candidate, to be honest.
- I'm not really excited about the election.
I just don't really feel like I like either options.
- The Republicans and the Democrats,
they're kind of bumming me out.
- 315, 320 million people,
and this is the best two that we can come up with.
- It's true.
Americans are so disillusioned by the major party candidates,
it seems many would prefer to vote for Kevin Kline's character
from the movie "Dave" or the ghost of Martin Luther King Jr.,
assuming he only said the three quotes that white people like.
And this--this disenchantment may explain the high interest
in America's third parties.
Because when your two main options are depressing,
any third choice seems good.
If you're in-- if you're in a KFC Taco Bell
and see a bunch of pigeons eating something
in the parking lot, you might well think, "Hang on.
What have they got over there? Hmm."
And--and luckily,
there are a great many third-party options out there.
There's Jim Hedges of the Prohibition Party,
the worst party without alcohol
since your born-again cousin's wedding.
There's Dan Vacek of the Legal Marijuana Now Party,
which should really be called the Illegal Marijuana Now,
Legal Marijuana ASAP Party.
And then there's independent write-in candidate Joe Exotic,
who claims to run the world's largest private zoo for tigers
and produces incredible campaign videos.
- First thing is, I am not cutting my hair.
I'm not changing the way I dress.
I refuse to wear a suit.
I am gay.
I've had two boyfriends most of my life.
I am broke as shit.
I have a judgment against me
from some bitch down there in Florida.
And this is all paid for by the committee of Joe Exotic
Speaks for America.
- Wow.
Just wow.
Joe Exotic is truly the candidate
you'd want to sit down and have a beer with,
then another beer, and then several more beers
until you're drunk enough to try meth for the first time.
The point is Joe Exotic: make America exotic again.
But the best-known of the lesser-known candidates
are clearly Libertarian Gary Johnson
and Green Party nominee Jill Stein.
In a poll just last month,
more than a third of young voters said
they are considering voting for one of them.
So they are worth taking seriously.
And before we go any further, we should probably address
the common critique that third-party candidates
can siphon off votes
and potentially wind up electing an ideological opponent.
And there is some historical precedent for that,
from Teddy Roosevelt's 1912 run,
which arguably helped to elect Democrat Woodrow Wilson,
to Ralph Nader in 2000 winning nearly 100,000 votes
in Florida, a state which Al Gore famously lost
by just 537.
But third parties are a little touchy
about that whole spoiler tag.
Just watch Gary Johnson respond after it's brought up.
- That--that--that is just-- that is just--it's horrible.
Why would you even say that?
We are giving people a chance to vote for something
as opposed to the lesser of two evils.
We're not spoilers.
We are the first vote.
So I guess we should drop out.
Is that what you're saying?
Is that-- is that your editorial here?
- Okay, Gary, just-- just relax a little bit.
You've--you've already undercut your credentials
as a serious candidate by wearing a yellow tie with jeans.
Come on, Gary.
You're running for president,
not officiating Pikachu's beach wedding.
Although, to be fair,
Johnson's anger is understandable.
Just dismissing third-party candidates as "spoilers"
shuts down debate, and while the argument
that the only thing that stops Trump
is a vote for Hillary Clinton is a powerful one,
so is the argument that people should vote
for the candidate who most closely shares their values.
So let's vet these candidates not as spoilers
or as protest votes but as legitimate potential presidents.
And we'll start with Jill Stein,
the candidate who looks most like she believes carob
is just as good as chocolate.
Now, Stein is currently polling around 2%,
and she has a lot going for her.
She's a doctor who practiced internal medicine for 27 years,
and she has a broadly appealing pitch,
from environmental issues to expanding LGBT rights
to reducing income inequality, but when it comes to policy,
we all know the devil is in the details.
So how exactly is she going to accomplish her goals?
And let's start with the plan that has been central
to her candidacy.
- We're the one party that's actually calling
for canceling student debt and bailing out a generation
of young people, like we bailed out the bankers on Wall Street.
We can do that for this generation
and unleash them to be the stimulus package of our dreams.
- Okay, hold on, because "stimulus package
of your dreams" sounds like how Paul Krugman
describes his penis.
But--but--but she is right.
Student debt is a massive $1.3 trillion problem.
Canceling it is Stein's flagship proposal.
It is to her campaign what the border wall
is to Donald Trump's.
So you would assume that she has a well-thought-out,
coherent plan.
- My campaign is the only one that will do for young people
what our misleaders saw fit to do for Wall Street
not that long ago.
It was about $4 trillion in free money
in the form of so-called quantitative easing,
which is a magic trick that basically people don't need
to understand any more about than that it is a magic trick.
- No, it isn't, though.
It is a very complicated monetary policy tool.
And while it might not be important for most people
to understand it, you certainly have to,
and I don't think you do.
Because for a start, while Jill Stein has said...
That is absolutely wrong.
The president does not have that authority.
Only the Federal Reserve does.
And it does not take marching orders from the White House
because that would be extremely dangerous.
You don't want to give presidents the power to just
create new money whenever they want to.
Think of it like this, if Joe Exotic is elected,
you don't want him able to order the Fed to create money
for the most lavish tiger-themed orgy
the nation has ever seen
because they would then have to print the $3,500
it would take to do that.
So that issue alone makes her plan a non-starter
before we even get into the fact that quantitative easing
does not apply here.
Stein is implying it was used to cancel banks' debts,
and that is absolutely not what it did.
Using it the way that she's describing
amounts to a president unilaterally passing a new law
and funding it by printing new money.
And the--the dangers of that should be pretty obvious.
In terms of how fundamentally flawed that is on every level,
it's basically akin to saying, "I'll make us energy independent
by ordering the post office to invade Canada."
No, Jill, that's impractical.
It's a terrible idea,
and you don't seem to understand anything about it.
When I said her student debt proposal
was her version of Donald Trump's border wall,
I meant it.
Because the only way it could be any more unlikely
is if she claimed Mexico was somehow going to pay for it.
And for a candidate who seems to be running on principle,
it can be hard to pin her down on what those principles are.
After the EU Brexit vote, her campaign issued a statement
in which she called the decision, "A victory,"
before changing it to read:
And in response to charges that she was anti-vaccination,
she tweeted, "There's no evidence that autism
is caused by vaccines," before Jill Stein--
a doctor, remember-- replaced it with
a more equivocal, "I'm not aware of evidence linking autism
with vaccines," leaving the door open for doubt
and fucking measles.
And this strategic vagueness even applies
to answering a question from a 9/11 truther.
- I believe that the hijackers were patsies.
They did have intent,
but there was no ways they could fly those planes
the way they did, and there's no way
those steel buildings could fall the way they did.
Stossel: Do you have an opinion about that?
- So I think we need the full story,
and the 9/11 Commission itself said
we don't have the full story.
So I would simply bring back that commission.
This isn't--this isn't controversial in my view.
It's time to get the full story.
- What are you doing?
You know that man thinks you just agreed with him now, right?
You can't just hear a conspiracy theory,
fan the flames, and then walk away.
"Is Katy Perry JonBenét Ramsey?"
"Well, identity theft is a real and persistent issue
in this day and age, and we really need to look into that."
And--and if none of what I've said bothers you,
that's fine.
I mean, it's-- it's not really fine.
But that is your right.
But you are also gonna need to cosign
on one more awkward thing,
and that is that Jill Stein recorded several albums
as part of a '90s folk rock band called Somebody's Sister.
And you don't get to not hear what they sound like.
Stein: [singing]
[mellow rock music]
*
- Jill, Jill, that is a very bad song.
For a start, silent thunder is nothing.
You're describing silence.
And--and I frankly cannot have a president
who is going to play her own inauguration
with a band that sounds like the Indigo Girls
fronting the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
So for now, let's move on to Gary Johnson,
the two-term governor of New Mexico,
and the man who in most photographs
seems to be around 80% sure that he is running for president.
Now, he has been polling around 6% nationally,
which is pretty remarkable given that his race
has been largely notable for moments like
not knowing what Aleppo is,
not being able to name a world leader he admires,
and whatever it is that he's doing here.
- Do you think if you were able to get on the debate stage
that you could pull even?
- I--I'm not sure if he was doing that with his tongue
on purpose or if Gary Johnson's tongue just decided, "Fuck it,
I'm done," and tried to escape through his mouth.
But look, there is obviously more
to Gary Johnson than just mistakes.
For instance, he is an avid outdoorsman
who loves mountain climbing so much,
he once described summiting Mount Everest like this.
- People ask me, "Gosh, what was it like
to conquer Mount Everest?"
Well, I did not conquer Mount Everest.
She lifted her skirt, and I got in there and got a peek,
and it was really cool.
[laughter]
- Okay, okay, I--I'm still a little confused here.
Did you actually climb Mount Everest,
or did you just dry hump the side of it and then go home?
"It was great. Now smell my finger.
There's still some mountain air on it."
What is wrong with you?
Now--now, as for his policies, as with Jill Stein,
there is a lot to like there.
He supports marijuana legalization
and opposes the death penalty, civil forfeiture,
and police militarization, but scratch beneath the surface,
and there are some positions you may be less comfortable with.
For instance, he opposes having a minimum wage,
and when he says he's for smaller government,
he is not kidding around.
- Governors, could you name three federal departments
or agencies that you would eliminate?
- Education, the Department of Commerce,
and Housing and Urban Development.
How's that for starters?
- Whoa, there.
He giving up government agencies left and right.
This is "Sophie's Choice"
if she hated all of her children.
"Take both kids.
I'm sick of stepping on LEGOs. Off you go."
But--but to be fair,
that is an intellectually consistent position.
But now watch him fold under the slightest pressure.
- Would any of their functions still be performed
by the federal government?
- Gosh, if-- and you'd have to assume
that they were doing something that was of value,
and yeah, if they are doing something of value,
yes, we would--
we would would be looking to continue those operations.
- Those departments all do a lot of stuff.
You can't identify any specific things they do?
- Well, no, but you're-- you're asking three departments,
and I'm giving them to you.
man: Right, but then you're-- but then you're--
- Let's just take the assumption that they
should be eliminated.
- Okay, for the record-- and this is probably obvious--
those three departments do actually do things of value,
assuming that you find Pell Grants,
mortgage insurance, low-income housing programs,
the National Weather Service, the Patent and Trademark Office,
and the Census Bureau to be of some value.
And if it comes as news to you
that that's what those departments do,
well, then, hi, Gary.
I'm excited you're watching the show.
Uh, quick piece of advice:
please stop trying to fuck mountains.
And--and again--again, like Jill Stein,
Johnson is prone to overly simple solutions
that could have disastrous consequences.
Just look at how he applies his small-government approach
to tax policy.
- If I could wave a magic wand, I would eliminate income tax.
I would eliminate corporate tax.
I would abolish the IRS.
And I would replace it all with one
federal consumption tax.
- Come on, Gary.
You have a magic wand, and the first thing you'd do
is eliminate income tax with it?
Shame on you.
The first thing anyone should do
is make soap taste as good as it smells.
And fuck you. Don't judge me.
It's not the only thing that I would do.
It's just the first thing I would do.
But that magical, simple plan gets complicated very fast.
Because Johnson says his consumption tax would be
between 23% and 28% on almost everything you buy.
And that could clearly hurt poor people the most.
So his answer is that every single home in America
would receive a prebate check each month
covering the cost of the sales tax
up to around the poverty line.
But when a presidential advisory panel
studied a similar proposal a decade ago,
they found that it's just not that simple.
Aside from the complexity of the prebate program,
which, by the way, would become America's largest
entitlement program ever, for this policy to work,
they suggested the sales tax would have to be
way more than 28% with the burden falling
heavily on the middle class, and to avoid all that,
there might have to be savage government cuts.
But rather than honestly admit that,
Johnson tries to wriggle out of the subject.
- The big problem with doing what you're doing you is
you wind up cutting the amount of revenues
that government has to work with.
- No, actually, it's revenue neutral.
The whole--the whole proposal--
man: That's not so-- according to economists,
that's not so easy to achieve.
- Well, then--well, then--well, maybe not, but--
man: 'Cause you're doing-- 'cause why?
Just to give you the context, why?
If you say--the fair tax number that's usually thrown out
is 28%.
This would be your consumption tax.
So you're automatically reducing the 39%
from the top level down.
That creates an issue about how you want to distribute
the tax burden.
- You're getting a little into--too into weeds here.
man: You think so?
- What do you mean "too in the weeds"?
The only point of discussing tax policy is to get into the weeds,
that and preventing premature ejaculation.
That's the two options.
And if it can seem like Gary Johnson
occasionally just doesn't give a fuck,
maybe he doesn't, because wait until you hear
his stance on combating climate change.
- Should we take the long-term view
when it comes to global warming?
I think that we should.
And the long-term view is that in billions of years,
the Sun is gonna actually grow and encompass the Earth, right?
So global warming is in our future.
- That's your plan?
"Don't worry; we'll all be dead eventually anyway."
I guess we're just lucky that we won't be around to see that day
because I do not want the last thing I hear
to be Gary Johnson saying,
"The Sun's not so much conquered the Earth.
It's merely lifted up her skirt and fingerblasted it."
No, Gary!
Why are you so weird?
The point here is the more you look
at both Gary Johnson and Jill Stein,
the more you realize the lack of coverage
they complain about so much might have genuinely
benefited them because their key proposals
begin to crumble under the slightest scrutiny.
And look, I would love for there to be
a perfect third-party candidate.
I even understand the argument that a third-party candidate
can put a new issue or a new solution on the table.
But it is hard to make the case
that that is what's happening here.
There is no perfect candidate in this race.
And when people say, "You don't have to choose
the lesser of two evils," they are right.
Because you have to choose the lesser of four.
Anyone who goes into a voting booth on November the 8th
and comes out saying, "I feel 100% great
about what I just did in there" is either lying to themselves
or did something unspeakable in that booth.
And that means as uncomfortable as this is,
everyone has to own the flaws of whoever you vote for,
whether they are a lying, handsy, narcissistic sociopath,
a hawkish, Wall Street-friendly, embodiment of everything
that some people can't stand about politics,
an ill-tempered mountain molester
with an radical, dangerous tax plan
that even he can't defend,
or a conspiracy-pandering political neophyte
with no clear understanding of how government operates
and who once recorded this folk rap
about the virtues of bicycling.
Stein: [singing]
[upbeat folk music]
*
- I feel like we just figured out
who or what killed Biggie and Tupac.
And--and before you say, "Well, hold on, John.
There is one perfect candidate that you haven't mentioned yet,"
I will remind you, he's broke as shit,
and he will not wear a suit.
And now this.
man: And finally this week...
- Steve joining us from Haymarket, Virginia.
Republican land. Good morning.
Steve: Yes, about three years ago, a man Liang-Shih Fan
developed a process where you can burn
virtually any carbon fuel you want to
without producing any CO2.
Now, Allan Savory uses holistic grazing
to re-sequester CO2 back in the ground.
- Mm-hmm.
Steve: And then-- and then if you go
to Prince William County...
[voice echoing] Hellwig Park,
and Ben Lomond Park,
I built about 20 constructed wetlands.
And so we can build constructed wetlands,
but we're limited to that space between the North Pole
and the South Pole.
[spacey music]
So we really don't have any environmental problems.
What we have is a bunch of politicians
who want to take $1.5 trillion
out of the economy every year for,
like, these, uh, windmills up on Mount Storm, West Virginia.
And you can go up there and look at them.
It takes about two hours to get up there.
And what it is is 10% of them are locked up.
Then you have to take a crane that runs on diesel fuel...
[voice fading out] Pick the windmills up
on a truck...
- Time to go back now.
Steve: In America, you can repair big devices like that,
say, take them to Mexico, fix them, bring them back up
with a truck again, and put them up on them poles.
So we really do not have any green alternative.
But the mirrors in Las Vegas
burst into flames here recently
because they haven't quite figured out
that the Earth rotates.
You don't have to move mirrors. All you--
- Steve, thank you for the call.
- That's our show. Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.
[cheers and applause]
*
[bright tone]